Letting your partner know that it’s OK to express affection, watching for criticism, and listening without judgment are all ways you can create space for a partner who withholds affection.
Affection is a natural part of romantic relationships and can help you feel desired. Many people differ in the amount of affection they give and receive, and some choose to withhold affection from their partner.
People withhold affection for a multitude of reasons. Some individuals do it to protect themselves, and some do it to coerce, control, or punish you. If you have a partner who withholds affection, there are ways to cope and heal.
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Withholding affection can occur in relationships for many reasons. Your partner may withhold affection as a form of psychological abuse or punishment. When this happens, you may be experiencing emotional abuse.
Other reasons people may withhold affection may include:
When you experience someone withholding affection to control or punish you, this tactic is typically used to get you to do what they want.
Other people who withhold affection may not know how to be affectionate, may have experienced trauma, or be under high levels of stress. While it doesn’t feel good to experience someone withholding affection, the person doing it may need the help of a mental health professional.
A lack of affection may also be connected to feelings of unsafety when trying to express affection. For example, if you respond to another’s affectionate gestures with criticism or shut down, it may be hard for that person to express affection toward you.
Withholding affection can appear in many ways, such as:
How you respond to emotional withholding depends on its source. You will cope with and address emotional withholding differently based on whether it’s abusive or protective.
When you’re dealing with a person who refuses to show affection to control, coerce, or punish you, this is considered to be abusive behavior. Consider seeking the support of a mental health professional.
A therapist can help you:
A person who exhibits abusive behaviors may not only withhold affection. They may also try to keep you out of the loop of pertinent information, restrict your ability to talk with your support system, and limit your access to being financially dependent.
In the cycle of abuse, the person engaging in abusive behaviors is likely attempting to make you feel isolated and disempowered.
Creating a safety plan with a therapist, trusted friend, or loved one is crucial to your safety.
When you’re dealing with protective emotional withholding, create a safe space for your partner to be vulnerable. Protective emotional withholding is similar to how it sounds: People may not express their feelings or desires due to fear of rejection or criticism.
You can help a person who is withholding as a form of protection by:
